im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
