all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I deserve this hangover.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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