i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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