is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
