I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
