That's intense
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
