so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
then he tried to convert me to islam
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
