Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
