she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
