Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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