I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
