i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
