You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stole a fireplace last night.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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