Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
