If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
