I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
