oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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