Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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