I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
