totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
