And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
