Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Houston, we have a blender
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
