for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
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I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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