He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
