I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
