I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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