dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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