you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
