i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
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They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
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Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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