I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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