the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
