You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
organizing the empties. That sober.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
