he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
