This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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