So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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