I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
