Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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