Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
