Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize