There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
