How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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