I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
