Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Boobs speak an international language.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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