I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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