Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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