I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
