Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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