Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
