My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
even my farts smell like vagina
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
