fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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