I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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