sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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