Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
