I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
