Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Farmville is her only friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
