The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
