in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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