I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
